Tuesday, 9 November 2010

How to survive the Worst Effects of the Spending Cuts

It's dark, dingy and distinctively Tory, but don't worry there is a way to escape these Eton boys.

1) Burn Books For Fuel

This won't be popular with some, however if you've seen The Day After Tomorrow book burning is sometimes pivotal to survival.  

You don't need to wait til the Earth freezes over either.  The following list shows the first books to be burn, categorised by their adverse effects on society

1) Academic books about the internet dated before 2000
2) Anything by Stephanie Meyer

 2) Live In Jamaica

Certain areas of Jamaica have such a low cost of living for us Brits that £1000 could last you a whole year. No promises on the quality of adode though.

Endure working at Tesco for a few months, then jet out to Jamaica for the rest of the year. 

This idea came from a Jamaican. Be prepared to be marked down for class participation though.

3) From artsy to nerd in sixty seconds.

If your plan was to join the Welsh National Opera Company when you graduate, then maybe  think again. Arts touring budgets are being cut by 64% as funding for the arts e.g. The Arts Council England, falls under the Axe of Austerity.

One option is to change tack altogether and join the subservient bandwagon of "more strategic subjects". 

So put down your paint-brushes (or these days Photo-Shop) and go back to school to brush-up on your maths.

Creative people are still associated with Socialism and revolt.  It goes back a few hundred years ago to the days of the outspoken pamphleteers, but you don't want to know about that...

4) Keep Hold of Your Job.

If you're not quite adventurous enough to try Jamaica, then simply keep a tight trip on that job, whether its pint-pulling, shelf-stacking, charity mugging, or plate-carrying.  

Relying on benefits won't cut it anymore. Ian Duncain Smith wants you all working. 

The public sector might well shrivel away in the next few years to be replaced by conservative friendly corporations. 

Your weekly Job Seeker's Allowance will consist of bonus Tesco club card points, and BP vouchers-which effectively means you have to spend more to get more.

5) Get Yourself a Private Swiss Bank Account.

Normally we would recommend you have a normal student account at somewhere like Natwest-the kind that comes with a nice £500 overdraught, and a free Ipod that you mistake for something out of a cereal box and throw away.

But now the time has come to look further afield-Switzerland to be exact. 

With a private Swiss bank account you can hide away your cash in a fancy vault where tax men rarely tread-largely because office workers don't even crawl out of the office for Subway anymore.

HSBC'S Richard Green won't be able to help you anymore. The poor fellow is now earning peanuts as Cameron's new trade spin doctor. 

So work a few extra shifts in the library, or at the bar.

6) Buy a Yacht.

David Cameron has been known to consort with Richard Murdoch on his yacht occasionally. 

It's possible that in exchange for his airfare (private jet)  and a marvellous on-deck champaigne reception,  Cameron will "turn a blind eye" to whatever megalomaniac, egotistical, ethically warped business you are engaged in e.g. tax dodging and sweatshops.

No comments:

Post a Comment